i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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