Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
