in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
