At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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