Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
