I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
