do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
