I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
