You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Rumble strips road head = magical
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
