My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
