who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
