nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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