Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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