If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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