Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
