please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
