I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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