Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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