now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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