Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
