So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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