I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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