omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
