My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
