There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
