you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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