Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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