I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
