You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
