As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
