I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
