Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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