Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
