am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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