and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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