I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
