i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
