Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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