we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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