I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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