I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
