Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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