I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
