ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
