Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
