awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize