living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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