Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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