If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
