I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
