he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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