I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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