Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Randomize
