we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
