So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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