so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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