A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize